I’ll be back. You can’t keep the Democrats out of the White House forever, and when they get in, I’m back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies. Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution. …And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night. Yes! I am a citizen! Now which way to the welfare office? I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I work, I work. Aaah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me! Last night’s “Itchy and Scratchy Show” was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.

Human contact: the final frontier. This is the greatest case of false advertising I’ve seen since I sued the movie “The Never Ending Story.” “Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion. Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it. Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix. When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!

And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker. Marge, just about everything’s a sin. Y’ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we’re not supposed to go to the bathroom. I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes! I stand by my racial slur. Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2.

Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution. Marge, you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman — and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing. Get ready, skanks! It’s time for the truth train! Kids, kids. I’m not going to die. That only happens to bad people. Your guilty consciences may make you vote Democratic, but secretly you all yearn for a Republican president to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king!